It's Rainin' Bears

This requires absolutely no further commentary.

15 Things Men Think We Want to Know

Good god, I thought the male brain was capable of ONLY sports, beer, and sex-- thank you yahoonews for opening my eyes. Italicizing "you" really helped that sink in.

1. I'm sure that was Einstein's intent. All his relativity work-- all for the purpose of explaining why his texts were two weeks late.

2. Dr. Hacket-- you are an orthopedic surgeon for snowboarders? How are you even relevant to this article?

3. ...what is on this man's crotch? Like genuinely. What is that.

"Our heart beating through your chest?" What does that MEAN?

What self respecting man uses the word "manscaped?" I mean really...

NO ONE IS FUNNIER THAN ME NO OTHER MAN ANYWHERE AHHHHH

'This wankjob isn't even trying.'

-Guest input from the luminescent Rebecca Bonallie

Okay, so let me get this straight, Matt Ritter-- you were given the priceless opportunity to finally illuminate the male gender to the women of the world, and the first thing you think of is "I don't want anymore DVDs!"

Full article: http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/15-things-men-really-wish-knew-212600930.html

When Your Love Gets Awkward

'Quick, Bob, what romantic stock photo do we have for this dating article?'

'Uhhh... let's go for "Couple Smelling Rose" again.'

For example, in completely empty movie theatres with just one person staring at you. Wait a second... I think they did 'get a room.' That angular-haired chick just followed em there.

If by "plenty to talk about" you mean "remember that time you gently rested your hand on my knee and we held hands?" It sounds like you guys don't connect very well on a conversational level, do ya...

Step One:

Step Two:

Step Three:

Put your hands wherever the heck you want. Just make sure you are making some firm eye contact with your neighbor Joe and his kids while you're at it.

Nothing puts a damper on summer like needing CPR from a child who just watched you try to fellate someone under water. 

Check out the full article in all its splendor:

http://uk.match.yahoo.net/edito/index.php?mtcmk=080405&name=5/118/2865-the-worst-pda-offences.html

We Didn't Know

This is all the info I'm giving you on this article. I won't even post the link. I think it is important to leave this tale up the the imagination. Let your creative speculations run amuck.

We May Be Plastic, But Our Love Is Real

Wait. I thought that was the catchphrase for Jersey Shore...

What??? WHAT!?!?! Ok, so after a 50 year relationship, this man is dressing like a sixteen year old and adopting the moniker "Sweet Talking Ken?" WAIT WHAT AM I SAYING, THIS IS NOT A MAN THIS IS A DOLL.

Dolls do not flirt. They do not use facebook. They do not eat baked goods.  This genuinely worries me.

To read the full, disturbing details, click here.

Mean Girls 2: Where's Regina George?

Do you even, like,  know what feminism is? 'Cause it seems you like, clearly have no idea. Or maybe, I should start like, using that phrase superfluously as well:

-YOU CAN'T HAVE OREOS WITHOUT MILK. THAT'S JUST LIKE, THE RULES OF FEMINISM.

-THE OFFICE CANNOT CONTINUE WITHOUT MICHAEL SCOTT. THAT'S JUST LIKE, THE RULES OF FEMINISM!

-YOU CAN'T TAKE RAHM EMANUEL OFF THE CHICAGO BALLET. THAT'S JUST LIKE, THE RULES OF FEMINISM!!!

I think I can learn to like this...

Valentine's gift ideas for men & women

WHAT?! These people clearly have no regard for carefully constructed iambic pentameter. 

...that said, I would like to be cast as every single character in Merchant of Venice, please. All of them.

All the creative responsibility! By God, what to choose?! Lets check out the example photo, I bet that sports something expressive and unique. Oh. "I love you." How revolutionary...

Plus, its not like you can shove a sonnet in there, it fits about nine characters. 

Oh Valentine's day, a time of chocolate, roses, sterling silver hearts, Parisian perfume and all the romance of... painting your own sneakers? Really?

And I'm docking an extra ten points for the "start her off on the right foot" statement. We have a no-tolerance policy for puns here at Vital News.

Aaaand now, for the boys:

THIS IS A BLOCK OF WOOD. JUST A BLOCK OF WOOD. YOU CARVE IT YOURSELF. Hell, just grab a scrap from a lumber yard and slap a stamp on it, save 9 bucks. 

 I received a block of wood as a gift once. Shitty present. Not recommended. Though my block of wood was blank. No message. Just a slab of pressurized wood. Wasn't even sanded, come to think of it, I think it gave me a splinter.

Never once, in my life, have I ever heard the response to What do you want for a present? be A BOTTLE OF HOT SAUCE! FUCKYEAH!

read the full article here