We Didn't Know

This is all the info I'm giving you on this article. I won't even post the link. I think it is important to leave this tale up the the imagination. Let your creative speculations run amuck.

We May Be Plastic, But Our Love Is Real

Wait. I thought that was the catchphrase for Jersey Shore...

What??? WHAT!?!?! Ok, so after a 50 year relationship, this man is dressing like a sixteen year old and adopting the moniker "Sweet Talking Ken?" WAIT WHAT AM I SAYING, THIS IS NOT A MAN THIS IS A DOLL.

Dolls do not flirt. They do not use facebook. They do not eat baked goods.  This genuinely worries me.

To read the full, disturbing details, click here.

Mean Girls 2: Where's Regina George?

Do you even, like,  know what feminism is? 'Cause it seems you like, clearly have no idea. Or maybe, I should start like, using that phrase superfluously as well:

-YOU CAN'T HAVE OREOS WITHOUT MILK. THAT'S JUST LIKE, THE RULES OF FEMINISM.

-THE OFFICE CANNOT CONTINUE WITHOUT MICHAEL SCOTT. THAT'S JUST LIKE, THE RULES OF FEMINISM!

-YOU CAN'T TAKE RAHM EMANUEL OFF THE CHICAGO BALLET. THAT'S JUST LIKE, THE RULES OF FEMINISM!!!

I think I can learn to like this...

Valentine's gift ideas for men & women

WHAT?! These people clearly have no regard for carefully constructed iambic pentameter. 

...that said, I would like to be cast as every single character in Merchant of Venice, please. All of them.

All the creative responsibility! By God, what to choose?! Lets check out the example photo, I bet that sports something expressive and unique. Oh. "I love you." How revolutionary...

Plus, its not like you can shove a sonnet in there, it fits about nine characters. 

Oh Valentine's day, a time of chocolate, roses, sterling silver hearts, Parisian perfume and all the romance of... painting your own sneakers? Really?

And I'm docking an extra ten points for the "start her off on the right foot" statement. We have a no-tolerance policy for puns here at Vital News.

Aaaand now, for the boys:

THIS IS A BLOCK OF WOOD. JUST A BLOCK OF WOOD. YOU CARVE IT YOURSELF. Hell, just grab a scrap from a lumber yard and slap a stamp on it, save 9 bucks. 

 I received a block of wood as a gift once. Shitty present. Not recommended. Though my block of wood was blank. No message. Just a slab of pressurized wood. Wasn't even sanded, come to think of it, I think it gave me a splinter.

Never once, in my life, have I ever heard the response to What do you want for a present? be A BOTTLE OF HOT SAUCE! FUCKYEAH!

read the full article here

...I...uhhhh.....I'm gonna go take a bath.

So for my inaugural post as contributor to this blog, I chose a piece which just plain offended me as a human being.

Oh wow. Oh wowowow. So, YahooNews (always, always one word) you're telling me that when I buy shit I'm not meant to keep it forever!? Oh YahooNews, here I stand holding everything I own over an incinerator, please, please enlighten me as to which of my possessions will be the first to burn!

"Clothes: Even if you received something as a gift, it's okay to let it go," says organizer Marilyn Bohn. "You only need to keep what works for you."Here's a sad truth: You're probably not going to lose the weight to fit into those 10-year-old clothes you have in the closet. Just give it up and give them away!"

Ok. Well. I see. You know, YahooNews, I've been noticing those jeans looking a little tight on you lately so maybe you should THROW THEM AWAY. YOU WILL NEVER BE THIN. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN GAIN WEIGHT SO JUST STOP TRYING.

Moving on...

"Another item many moms find hogging valuable cupboard space: coffee mugs. "We had over 20 coffee mugs," says Kansas mom Dawn Schnake. She and her husband each chose four mugs to keep and donated the rest to a church rummage sale."

You...you donated them? You had too many coffee mugs so you donated them?? What GENIUSES live among us!!!

"Even if you received something as a gift, it's okay to let it go," says organizer Marilyn Bohn. "You only need to keep what works for you."

Wait wait wait. WHAT?! I don't need to keep things that I don't need? All this meaningless shit that everyone gives me every year is not essential to my existence? You know, every day I learn something new. Every. Damn. Day. Sayonara, SantaHatThatPlaysChristmasCarolsEveryTimeIFUCKINGBLINK. Consider. Yourself. INCINERATED!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

So.

Thank you YahooNews for helping declutter my life. I always look for your teachings with humble anticipation. So...uh...thanks. Bitch.

Cat Called for Jury Duty

Owner is convinced her dog can read

...I got nothin'.

Why blankets are better than comforters

You're right, I wasn't aware of that. Why? BECAUSE THOSE OTHER THINGS ACTUALLY MATTER.
And "aesthetes?" Are those some kind of competitive interior decorators?

Animal expert living with lions for a month

Three guesses on how this story is going to end...

I'll give you a clue: this man is going to die

Things Babies Born in 2011 Will Never Know

This article teeters on the precariously-suspended tightrope between amusing and downright disturbing. Judge for yourself, folks...

Yeah, okay, I can see where you're coming from on these ones. Save for the fact this author blatantly stated that most of this article is plagiarized, maybe this it is going to be surprisingly reasonable. There's always a chance...

 WHAT?! NO! NO! DEMON! EVIL! "Words on dead trees are on their way out"? Ohhh, what silly archaic spinster would read a dead tree?! Bookstores as scarce as record stores? YOU BLASPHEMOUS MONSTER, YAHOO! CURSE YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN!

Okay, breath, whooooooe. These again make some sense. Not that I think these are good things-- I love video stores, and watches are classy pieces of timekeeping snazz (though I personally am still perturbed by the falling-out-of-fashion of the pocket watch). I think maps are delightful, but I rarely, if ever use them for practical purposes, and who the fuck is going to jump in to defend dial-up internet. These don't enrage me. Some of them I am pleased with. But still, we are slowly dripping class out of our culture.

You know that girl back in high school that you took to your homecoming dance sophomore year? Remember, the one who got everyone to start calling you "The Flash" because of your timing-related erectile dysfunction problems? Well now, YOU WILL NEVER GET AWAY FROM HER.

I never thought I'd say this, but it's lists like these that make me thankful of the existence of hipsters. Because of our skinny-jean-wearing, apathy-seeping, Brooklyn-dwelling brethren, the 35 mm film camera has survived much longer than it otherwise would have. The polaroid isn't going down without a fight. New vinyl records are still being produced by indie bands appealing to the hipster market, impractical yet aesthetically pleasing sea foam green bicycles are still on the road, and pretty fifties-era dresses are being bought by Zooey Deschanels everywhere (myself included.) If there is one thing hipsters are good for, it is taking some pretty classy things and turning them from obsolete into stylishly vintage. Then, much to the chagrin of said hipsters, they slip from the supposed "alternative culture" into the mainstream, and are saved from extinction. Thanks hipsters.

In other news: Minivans are making a comeback?

The specificity of this makes me uncomfortable.

Remember when people cared about other people? Remember that outdated emotion called "empathy?" Remember those things called kindness, love, and respect for your fellow man? Well kids born in 2011 won't have any idea!

This makes me want to vomit out my eyes.

OH MY GOD. WHAT. How are children of the future supposed to play hide and seek? Or avoid Shining-esque invasions? THIS IS TERRIFYING.

To see the full list, check out the fate of our future here.

Sports mascot gives away the bride

I don't even... I don't... Wow. It's like a twisted version of this heartwarming childhood classic:

"Are you my father?"

"No... I'm just a man with a bird for a head."

"Will you marry me off anyway?"

"...sure."